Against Virtual (((Hugs))):

Note: In case you haven't seen, 'virtual' hugs are signified electronically with parenthesis of various sorts: So if I think 'Tom' needs a hug, I might post the following as a response to him in a blog or message:

{{{Tom}}} or (((Tom))).

More parens apparently mean tighter or longer hugs. I bet there is even a whole systematics of meaning for different numbers and types of parentheses.

Well, the whole thing bothers me - it seems fake, distant, and makes me feel like us hairless apes with keyboards are substituting virtual, safe, distant friends for real, close, messy and troublesome friends. Add to that the fact that we tend not to hug people anymore in real life (too likely to be 'bad touch' perhaps). All of which seems in a direction away from goodness...

So without further ado, I bring you:

"Locust Eater: Against Virtual Hugs"



Parenthesis upon a screen
Aren't extra nice,
nor are they mean;

Don't warm you up
Don't make you frown
Won't cheer you up
Won't make you down

Don't bump your glass
Don't muss your hair
Don't grab your ass
Don't make you glare

Don't squeeze you tight
Or hold you wide
Don't light a fire
In your inside

Can't pass a germ
Or make you love
Less warm than handshakes
Wearing gloves

Like fake kisses in the air;
Closeness, they say, we do not dare

I s'pose they're nicer than a sneer,
But I'd prefer...

...you drank my beer

And spilled the stew
Stepped on my foot
Played pranks with glue

Made a stink and stole my watch
Poured some ink onto my crotch

Burned the toast
Drank up the milk
Ate the whole roast
And stained my silk

Threw up on my bedroom floor
Bashed a big hole in the door

Woke me up at half past three
Made me laugh so hard I peed

Kicked my cat, then broke a chair, Ruined my hat -I'd know you're there.

No, hugs of text don't satisfy;
Hug someone real, who is nearby.



...If you come by and ask, I'll ACTUALLY hug you...

-LE